Open Your Heart (1986)

Madonna fans (are there still any out there?) will know this video well, being as it consists almost solely of Ms. Cicconi in a tight black plastic teddy of sorts, complete with standard Madonna bullet-tip nipple pointers. For some reason (like art or something) the pop icon doesn’t change her outfit very much but changes her hair a lot. And we’re not talking about something small, like changing where the part goes or something, we’re talking: she goes from short blonde to short black to… I don’t even know. Best guess is that this is supposed to distract us from her panty hamster, which is prominently displayed, albeit undercover, in one particular frame where she kicks her leg up high. Say what you will about her acting abilities (like she has none, for example) but you have to admit that she has a butt you could crack walnuts on and in this video she all but spreads it for the camera. Madonna’s ‘bomb bay’ notwithstanding, her front side features a right old ‘box of assorted creams’, if you know what I mean. Forget the song, that’s crap but what’s a lot of fun is playing Madonna Moose-Knuckle Darts on your TV set. Simply download a copy of the music video, burn it to a DVD, then zoom right in on her Beetle bonnet. When you have it full screen, get a non-permanent marker and draw her corned beef curtains, complete with clitoral bulls eye, right there on your TV set. Then invite your friends over, have some beers and throw beer nuts at Madonna’s quim all night long! A bulls eye means everyone except you has to throw back a shot, a hit on the mudflaps means you pass to the next person and a missed shot means you have to take a shot yourself. By the end of the night you’ll all be blotto and be able to entertain your friends with stories of the night you all got drunk on Madonna’s hee-haw. Fun!