By Mr. SkinAny twelve-month period that kicks off with Janet Jackson busting out a Girls Gone Wild tribute at the Super Bowl and wraps up with a Playboy spread starring the chewy pink chute through which Denise Richards whelped Charlie Sheen's spawn is a year after Mr. Skin's own hard--I mean, heart.
Actually, you know what I mean--who am I kidding?
The Year of Our Whored 2004 was a great one for celebrity skin. In this new multimedia world of inescapable paparazzi and innumerable instant-gratification outlets, it often felt like every Tinseltown nip-slip and cheek-peek bombarded me from more angles than I ever imagined and at a rate more frequent and skintense than any sane person could have ever dreamt was possible.
Give me a minute here. I'm getting a bit misty (and not just of the Mundae variety, either!).
My complete rundown of 2004's most fleshtastic on-screen skinchievements will be revealed during the announcement of my annual Anatomy Awards this spring. So stayed tuned for that.
Here, now, are my picks for the past year's most skin-tillating home-video releases, followed by some skinput courtesy of my crack editorial roster. So hit the eject button on your pants and plug into 2004's best T&A on DVD!
10. THE HOLE (2001)
NUDE:Keira Knightley (Picture: )
Before savory British crumpet Keira Knightley set sail with Pirates of the Caribbean (2003), she co-starred with boobilicious U.S. bombshell Thora Birch in this thriller about boarding-school students buried in an underground bunker. While Thora keeps her American beauties under wraps, pirate's dream Keira drops her top and deliciously flashes her demure doubloons. It'll give you a wooden third leg, matey.
9. RENEGADE (2004)
NUDES:Juliette Lewis (Picture: 1 - 2), Vahina Giocante (Picture: 1 - 2)
Originally titled Blueberry, this direct-to-video flick provides a sweet showcase for the actress with the first name closest to perfection in cinema history, one Vahina Giocante. Co-star Juliette Lewis goes one better not by spelling "Vahina" the way we'd most like to see it, but by showing it. At the one-hour-fifty-minute mark, a completely nude Juliette spreads her legs underwater and aims her hairy cove straight at the camera. Awesome submerged burger!
8. FANTASM (1976) / FANTASM COMES AGAIN (1977)
NUDE IN FANTASM:Uschi Digard, Candy Samples, Rene Bond, Serena, Shayne, Maria Aronoff, Roxanne Brewer, Dee Dee Levitt, Helen O'Connell, Gretchen Gayle, Maria Lutra, Maria Welton
NUDE IN FANTASM COMES AGAIN:Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith, Uschi Digard, Candy Samples, Serena, Dee Dee Levitt, Helen O'Connell, Michael Barton, Christine Shaffer, Brenda Fogarty, Nancy Mann, Lois Owens, Angela Menzies-Wills, Liz Wolfe
The heroes at Synapse Films have served up this pair of vintage drive-in sex farces from Down Under with the company's signature dedication to excellence. Fantasm brings to life tawdry tales from a saucy Aussie men's magazine via a cast of some of the most bombastically sexy B-movie icons of the era. Just leer at that cast listed above. The sequel provides more of the same with some noteworthy onscreen additions, the most potent of which is the legendary Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith, who goes for a Coke at the drive-in and gets all kinds of refreshed in the back of a van. Fantasmasize yourself at Synapse-Films.com
7. LUST FOR DRACULA (2004)
NUDES:Misty Mundae (Picture: 1), Darian Caine (Picture: 1), Andrea Davis (Picture: 1), Julian Wells (Picture: 1), Casey Jones (Picture: 1), Shelly Jones (Picture: 1)
From the wilds of New Jersey, Seduction Cinema does it again. Amidst a year peppered with rumors that Seduction's superstarlet Misty Mundae would be hanging up her birthday suit, the powerhouse softcore studio kept fans stiff with fun output such as Sexy American Idle and The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing, along with the wild, Misty-directed art-oddity Voodoun Blues. My pick of the pack, though, is this fast-paced bloodsucker blowout that features Seduction Cinema's major league T&A-team at their nudest and niftiest. Special kudos go to mongo-milk-spigoted Andrea Davis, a lithe, limber blonde with the longest, thickest nipples to dent the screen since Milla Jovovich debuted her supermodel supermarbles. Join the boobilee at: SeductionCinema.com
6. GYPSY 83 (2001)
NUDE:Sara Rue (Picture: 1)
Heat comes in all sizes. And in the case of Sara Rue, the sumptuously cushioned star of the ABC sitcom Less Than Perfect, there's no quantifying the volcanic power of her voluptuous appeal. But it is friggin' huge. In this eccentric indie drama, Sara--who has long been one of the most requested actresses here at the site--plays a Stevie Nicks-obssessed goth gal and, at the fifty-nine-minute mark, she busts out her ?-natural, gazillion-gallon gazongas while warming up for some heavy petting. Boasting the most humungous homegrown exposed breasts of any TV babe in history, Sara Rue proves in Gypsy 83 that she's a whole lot More Than Perfect.
5. FORBIDDEN ZONE (1980)
NUDES:Gisele Lindley (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4), Susan Tyrrell (Picture: 1 - 2), Marie-Pascale Elfman, dozens of anonymous nudes
The over-the-top, beyond-berserk, all-time-favorite midnight movie classic Forbidden Zone got a deservedly royal treatment from Fantoma (Fantoma.com). Director Richard Elfman's deranged black-and-white musical masterpiece of mayhem has been restored to pristine clarity, which provides endless eye-popping, jaw-dropping opportunities to ogle flaxen vixen Gisele Lindley as The Princess, a willowy, sixth-dimensional mega-bitch who spends the entire movie topless. FZ's clean-up also highlights the cult classic's scores of anonymous naked slave girls, half-human sphinxes, and various nude-nerpled knockouts running amuck. In addition to better views of mad queen Susan Tyrrell's comically exposed right-side suck-sack, a bonus scene provides FZ fans with a treat few would have thought possible: a quick bit of Marie-Pascale Elfman's left orb when Tyrrell rips open her bathrobe and sinks her teeth into that teat!
4. THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (1974)
NUDES:Christina Lindberg (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4), Despina Tomazani (Picture: 1 - 2)
Once again, Synapse Films strikes drive-in gold with a flawless presentation of this larger-, louder-, and lewder-than-life revenge grindhouse masterwork. Swedish siren Christina Lindberg instantly attained extreme-cinema icon status for her portrayal of a mute country waif who hops in the wrong car and loses--among other, arguably more valuable things--her eye. After being mauled, mutilated, turned into a junkie, and tricked out by a supremely evil pimp, Christina remakes herself into a cycloptic sexual avenger, scorching the earth with the blood and other vitals of all those who have done her wrong. Quentin Tarantino famously adapted Thriller's heroine into Daryl Hannah's Kill Bill (Volume 2) character. This DVD, which boasts bonus features containing even more shots of petite but power-bosomed Christina Lindberg naked, is a Thrill indeed.
3. THE L WORD (2004)
NUDES:Mia Kirshner (Picture: 1), Erin Daniels (Picture: 1), Rosanna Arquette, Leisha Hailey (Picture: 1), Laurel Holloman (Picture: 1), Karina Lombard, Katherine Moennig, Nahanni Arntzen, Heidi Iro, Meredith McGeachie, Anne Ramsay, Audra Ricketts, Jade Robertson
It's Sex and the Clitty as Showtime infinitely improves on the chicks-sitting-around-yapping formula of that other HBO series by frequently having these chicks lay in bed with one another, lapping. The L Word may or may not be excellent drama, it may or may not be a brave depiction of the lives and loves of modern-day lesbians, and it may or may not be of any worth other than the opportunity to gawk at gorgeous, gaping Hollywood actresses sexplicitly getting it on with each other in Seduction Cinema-level detail. And, therefore, The L Word is priceless.
2. SHOWGIRLS (1995) - VIP EDITION
NUDES:Elizabeth Berkley (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5), Gina Gershon (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5), Rena Riffel, Bethany Chesser, Bobbie Phillips, Dante McCarthy, Maria Diaz, Mason Marconi, Melinda Songer, Lin Tucci, Melissa Williams
It is the best of films, it is the best of films. And just prior to Showgirls's tenth anniversary, MGM honored this beloved tits-and-classic with the most outstanding all-around DVD package of the year. Beyond containing the Greatest Motion Picture Ever Made on a disc with new commentaries and bonus features, the VIP Edition is bolstered by Showgirls shot glasses, collector cards, a pin-the-pasties-on-the-stripper game, and as many delightful surprises as dialogue on the order of "It must be weird not havin' people come on ya--take care kid" is timeless.
1. 1 NIGHT IN PARIS (2004)
NUDE:Paris Hilton (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4)
I'm Mr. Skin. I review celebrity nudity. She's Paris Hilton--tall, blonde, flawlessly built supermodel, TV star, scandal-sheet regular, and heiress to a brand-name fortune. 2004 was the year our paths crossed in spectacular, up-close, in-and-out, down-and-dirty, every-which-way-and-loose fashion. 1 Night in Paris bestowed upon a hungry public what was once a home video of The Simple Life siren and her boner-brained boyfriend cavorting hardcore-style. On the disc, Paris lays bare every fiber of her being while also accepting every inch of her onscreen partner into various entrances of this particular Hilton. In terms of A-list exposure, only Pamela Anderson can claim to have come close to the heights of this eyeful tower. And even Pam ain't as poised with a pole in her throat as our decidedly not-gay Paree is here. Celebrity nudity DVD of the year. One palm up--way, way up.
*
OTHER VOICES, OTHER VIEWS . . . EVEN MORE BOOBIES!
Some of the editorial contributors to MrSkin.com weigh in with other highlights to hit DVD in 2004.
Sir Richard Lickington
HARDCORE (1979)
NUDEs:Season Hubley, Serena, Leslie Ackerman, Ilah Davis, Linda Morell, Gigi Vorgan
My Sweet Lord! Thanks to notorious asshole/acting genius George C. Scott and this super-'70s sleaze-wallow, I'll never forget the tenets of the Christian sect known as Calvinism (i.e., T.U.L.I.P.: Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace, and Perseverance of the Saints).
My favorite, and the one most applicable to this film, is the first: Total Depravity. Hardcore details the sufferings of a devout Calvinist from Michigan whose daughter runs off to L.A. to be an adult-film star, compelling him to go undercover as a porn producer in order to find her. We never see the daughter naked, but, to those of us who fetishize the Golden Age of 42nd Street and the Sunset Strip, the site of Season Hubley's naked nubile body spreading her legs behind the glass of a peep-show booth is the holy fucking grail.
CONQUEST (1983)
NUDE:Sabrina Siani
Italian goremeister Lucio Fulci's Conan rip-off takes high honors because of the incredible amount of screen time given to the high, proud titties of the evil golden-masked witch Ocron, played by sultry sword-and-sandal siren Sabrina Siani, who can also be seen in such fantasy epics as The Invincible Barbarian, Throne of Fire, and Ator the Invincible. Being a big fan of Fulci and barbarian flicks, I was excited to see this movie already, but when I saw that Sabrina's costume consisted entirely of a thong, a golden mask, and a glistening sheen of sweat, I had to unsheath my own sword. (Truly, the effect of her outfit is striking. It's as if you stuck the head of your Destro action figure on your sister's naked Barbie doll's body.)
*
James Hollis Smith
BETTY BLUE (1986)
NUDE:Beatrice Dalle, Clementine Celarie
When it comes to nude scenes, this French flesh-fest makes other foreign flicks feel naked! Beatrice Dalle invented the term "gratuitous nudity" in her portrayal of a moody sexbomb who turns a mild-mannered repairman into a Nabokov-inspired cuckold from Central Casting. Full frontal, totally nude, and butt naked are all understatements!
NORMA JEAN AND MARILYN (1996)
NUDES:Ashley Judd, Mira Sorvino
Marilyn in '55, Ashley in '96: six of one, half a dozen of the other. The skin highlight of Ashley Judd's career is finally on DVD, and her Judds look great! Mira Sorvino's Marilyn is a shrinking violet compared to Ashley's nudie cutie. This flick features the full-frontal fiasco of Ashley's rug not matching her drapes--just like Marilyn! Ashley's clearly a method actress.
THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS (1967)
NUDE:Sharon Tate
Before the Manson family painted over Roman Polanski's life with blood, he was working on becoming the Polish Mel Brooks, and this flick was a funny thrill ride that's been long overdue on DVD. His young bride Sharon Tate's hot and sexy bathing sequence has become the stuff of legend, even the focus of a Playboy pictorial while the film was shooting. It's that bathtub scene that stands as a steamed-up reminder of the devastating beauty that we all lost in Sharon Tate.
*
Meg McCarville
KEN PARK (2002)
NUDES:Tiffany Limos, Maeve Quinlan
Even though it's not legally released on DVD in America, you can get it--plus you can see all the best parts here on MrSkin.com. It's directed by Larry Clark.
TICK (2004)
NUDE: Meg McCarville
Tick is a madcap comedy about a girl who tries to get pregnant in order to move up the list at the methadone clinic. There is nudity in it. Me. I have to promote myself, so this is what I'm doing here. Email me for more information at: tinyangel666@hotmail.com
*
Robin Bougie
THE BEST PENIS VS RAT HAND TO HAND COMBAT MATCH OF 2004
When the credits roll after you finish watching Brian Yuzna's vaguely entertaining Beyond Re-Animator, don't turn off the DVD. The best scene in the entire film is about to take place as low-brow puppetry is taken to a whole new level. It's rat VS severed penis in a battle of life and death--and only one will be left standing when the smoke clears. Especially entertaining are those quick left paw jabs the rat doles out on that dick's head.
*
Sam Henderson
I wish I could give a best DVDs of 2004 list, but the sad fact is that I have not seen any movies or DVDs this year. I've been in Atlanta living with a girlfriend and I don't drive and the mass transportation sucks there. There is no theatre or rental place within walking distance. We've made plans to do something, but they've always been cancelled at the last minute since she works long hours and wants to stay home instead. That's fine, but I've had no means of watching anything on my own. Three days ago we moved to Florida and now I'm kicked out of the house because I'm said to be a liar for not having the money I owe her. As a freelancer, my income is inconsistent and comes in spurts, even when I don't have to remind clients. I've always been able to survive, yet it's different when someone else is involved. As a result, I no longer have a girlfriend or a home and never had the chance to watch anything this year. She's not even one to frown upon my jerking off to porn; I just didn't have access to any. A combination of my getting less work and not keeping my ears open. Next year I promise to catch up. I do watch Sealab 2021 a lot, and the girl on that show looks pretty hot in that skintight uniform.
